I don’t remember the last time we kissed, I can’t even remember the last time we talked. As they said, you never remember the lasts because you never thought that it would actually be the last. But today, I received a bouquet of Lilies, my first real flowers.

I guess I’ve always dreamed of finally receiving my favorite flowers in my favorite color, but something isn’t… right, or maybe I just meant that something is different from those dreams, because the flowers, they didn’t come from you.

I probably shouldn’t be asking this question yet – what if they did? What if it was still you?

I still remember telling you about how much I loved Lilies and why I did. It was because they meant ‘I dare you to love me’ — I never entertained the idea of someone having the courage to pursue me. I always knew that I wasn’t easy to love. I had my priorities straight, always knew I’d choose my future above anything else. That was until you came along.

You made me feel something new, something I never really felt before from anyone else. The small details you remembered, small gifts you’d give whenever I was sad, but most importantly, the little things you did for me, and solely, me.

It was never casual, despite every hateful word we said whenever we fought, even if I looked pathetic asking myself that question, we both knew it was never just simple ‘friendship.’ And perhaps that would’ve been easier. If we just went with the fact that we were something more than friends, who would never be more than that.

Yet I didn’t.

We didn’t. We messed that part up, messed around even more to reach an ending where we don’t even talk, despite promising to never lose the connection no matter what.

And now he’s here. And you’re not.

He’s here listening to every single thing I say, remembering every little detail like you once did. Giving me gifts he knows I’d love because my eyes shine a little brighter when I saw it. And did every single thing to be the better- no, to be the perfect man who would deserve me.

So why does it still feel heavy? Why is it that whenever I’m with him… I can’t help but still think of you.

When he talks about his day, texting me every single detail of his daily quests. I’d remember how you’d always call, telling me about yours.

When he’d look at me with those onyx eyes that his smile would reach whenever he saw me while we talked, I see your brown eyes that would turn hazel whenever I admired them as the sunlight hits your eyes.

And whenever he kissed me so softly, gently with caution, but also with certainty. My lips taste whatever’s left of you kissing me with the tension of everything we left unsaid.

I can’t help but feel that difference in every moment I spend with him.

But maybe that’s not all. Not exactly.

He listens to everything I say. I’d tell him all about my favorite movie, and the next day he tells me he watched it. Because he wanted to appreciate it the same way I did. While when I was with you, you already watched it before, I just talked about it as something in common.

He gave me the gifts I looked at with bright eyes because he knew I’d be happy seeing them. Whether it were flowers of Lilies and Daisies or even plushies of my favorite animal, or from a movie I saw. And everyone knew I could always buy the things I like, so you never bothered to even try.

And he tries so hard to be the man I want to have. A man whom my parents would like? He’d greeted them at every event, even talking to them in small conversations.

A man with acts of service, I always dreamed about? He’d do the smallest things, whether it was to get me medicine because I felt sick or give me his umbrella and fan because I hate the heat.

A man who would give me gifts? He takes note of the things that would make me smile whenever we go to any store I like.

And a man who wouldn’t confuse me about what he felt towards me, when he knew, I too, knew.

And now I know. Those flowers, those Lilies would never come from you. Never can and never will.

Because it will never be me and you. It just will never be you.

And this time, perhaps it’s what I deserve.

But is this what he deserves?

A girl who constantly compares him to the past? A girl who disappears because of her uncertainty? And a girl who’s scared of the smallest commitments.

Perhaps this is what I’ve been dreaming of, but is this what he truly dreams of and should live for?

The Frontman