“May next time pa naman.”

“Ano ka ba, makakabawi ka next time.” “Kaya mo yan bawiin next time.”

These are the words I often hear after every contest. Although, it is comforting and reassuring to know that other people deeply believe in you and your potential, it’s still hard to keep on believing yet garnering the same or even worse result than last time.

“There’s always next time,” yet there will come a time that there will be no more next times, and you’re just left pondering where it all went wrong? What do I lack that others have?

“I’m still a believer, but I don’t know why.”

I don’t know why I still keep going, why I still cling on to what little hope I have left in me. Because honestly, it’s a huge letdown when you and others believe that you are about to redeem yourself, but then get proven wrong so badly. It feels like discovering water in a desert, only to find out it’s a mirage all along.

It takes a lot to believe, but it’s so easy to doubt. It’s so easy to be swallowed by doubt, by the fear that I’m just not enough.

“I’ve never been a natural, all I do is try, try, try”

I look at others, wondering how they do it so effortlessly. But me? I exert my maximum, I seek help in every way I could, but still end up falling short. I try and try and try but nothing changes. It’s still the same old thing, again and again.

I look at them, then I look at myself. I want to succeed too, but it’s difficult to go against someone who is naturally gifted. Unlike me, just a try-hard trying their best to go against all odds, to somewhat prove themselves to others. I want to prove those who doubt me wrong, but I just end up proving the doubters right.

“I’m still on that trapeze, I’m still trying everything to keep you looking at me”

But still, I compete, again and again. I chase every opportunity, hungry for victory. Yet by now, I’m starving. I chase and I fail, ending up wishing that I never even should’ve chased in the first place. Besides love, competing is also cannibalism. I am being eaten by my own thoughts, consumed until there is nothing left of me but fear and uncertainty.

It’s exhausting to be eaten by your own thoughts, because honestly, it’s hard not to be hard on yourself, especially when you’ve been in the same place every time.

Unlike common fears such as fear of the dark, fear of spiders, and fear of heights, my fear is failing to redeem myself. What if one day, redemption just never comes? It’s scary to think of, because imagine fighting for a cause that doesn’t even fully pay off in the end. And worst of all, it’s painful. The world will not stop for you when things aren’t going your way, and that’s a difficult truth to swallow.

I was always reaching for the stars, but I stumbled and fell every time. And every time, it gets more and more disheartening. There are so many people in the world, yet why does it always have to happen to me?

The Frontman