Being liked does not always mean being chosen. These are the moments when I wonder, "Was I ever good enough for him?" while lying in bed, gazing up at my ceiling.
Perhaps I was good enough for him, but it was never enough to make him stay. That's the hard reality of having someone who isn't able to fight for you or commit to you. In the end, it hurts more to be discarded by someone who likes you but is unable to stand up for you than to be rejected.
"I don't like you as much as you like me." That sentence broke me more than words can describe. It had made me overthink the casual conversations we had, which meant nothing to him. I tried my best to be the girl he wanted, just to realize he would never fight for or be with me.
I once believed that just because two people had a connection, there would be an eventual mutual commitment. Then I learned that some people can only have a connection, and that commitment takes courage and conviction.
I never wanted perfection from him; rather, I only wanted to be pursued with intention. I learned the hard way that the latter can happen and that someone can feel something for you yet still walk away.
With time, I had to learn that his lack of fighting for me was not indicative of my value. I had given my heart to someone who simply did not know how to care for it, and no matter how much effort or patience I extended to that person, I could never create a foundation based on a half-means to a long-term loving commitment. I tried to make use of all the love that I had to give him, but a lack of sincerity will never turn into something committed.
I've held onto expectations for us, wanting to see what we could have been, rather than recognizing who we were. I thought being with him and accepting my anxieties would show him my love for him, because I waited for him. I mistook patience for loyalty and hope for progress, but the true measure of love is the degree to which you want to choose someone to be with you unconditionally.
So, I let go, not because it stopped hurting, but because there is more out there for me than uncertainty—that I deserve a love that shows up; that chooses me without reservation. Being liked but never pursued taught me this: I was never hard to love—I was just waiting for someone brave enough to try.
