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Maraming nagsasabi na sinisisi nilang hindi mabuhay—whether it may be about one's missed opportunities, lost chances, or pure fate—but I am different. Ever since I was eight, I never thought that I would reach 16. Hell, I didn't even think that I would reach my teenage years. Ngunit, sa lahat ng luha na aking nailabas, sa mga suntok at sampal na naranasan ko, at sa mga kamalian na 'di lang galing sa akin, ngunit sa lahat ng nakakasalimuha ko, may isang bagay na pinagsisisihan kong gawin—ang 'di magpakamatay. Dapat namatay na lang ako noong nalaman kong hindi ako magaling. Like a ghost, the feeling and emotion of mediocrity haunts and creeps behind me. As I got older—pushing through my education —I couldn’t accept that I was doing many things I never truly excelled in. "Jack of all trades, master of none," ika nga. Why couldn't I accept the fact that no matter what I did—kahit mag-dibuho pa ako, magsulat ng panitikan, o mag-wasto at mag-ulo ng sipi—ay wala pa rin magiging bunga? It really goes to show that I won't be cherished by anyone, no matter what I do, everything will just go to waste if I continue. Dapat namatay na lang ako noong nagsimula akong ma-burnout. "Who am I without my achievements?," am I right? It's also like a ghost that lunges and waits for you to slip up or shoot you with a bow when you're at your highest. Nevertheless, I knew that I needed to stop. I wanted it to stop already. Nabuburnout ako para sa wala, kaya dapat tigilan ko na 'to, at mamatay 'di ba? Dapat namatay na rin ako noong hindi ako nagsalita tungkol sa pag-aabuso sa akin. For as long as I can remember, I have endured nearly all types of abuse under the definition of VAWC in RA 9262, yet I never dared to speak up because they always scared me into seeking help from the police, saying that the orphanage was worse. After all, I am 'part' of their family, diba? Kaya dapat patawarin ko na lang sila sa mga krimen nila. Kaya dapat, magmahalan na lang kami lahat, na parang walang nangyari sa akin. Kaya nandito pa rin ako, buhay pa rin. Dapat namatay na lang ako noong iniwan na ako ng lahat. My heart can be cold as ice, but it can year. To the point where it aches. I hold everything dear to my heart; from my achievements, big and small, to the people that matter most to me. Ngunit, na-reject na ako, iniwan na ako ng mga kaibigan ko, at dahil dito, nawala na ang puso ko. Marami akong ginawang mali, so I deserved it. Wala na eh, 'di ko na mababawi. Habang-buhay na lang akong ganito. I should have learned to die when I learned that my heart was too weak for this world. I was too scared to accept the truth. I was too scared to report a crime. I was too scared to let go of what I excelled at the most. I was too scared of the snarky remarks of other people. I was too scared to die by my own accord. Hindi pa ako makalaya. I'm too scared. Overdose? Baka mailigtas pa ako. Mahulog sa ikaapat na palapag? Baka ma-bali lang ako. Laslas? Masyadong masakit. Hanging? Baka masyadong masakit din. All I'm saying is, why am I still afraid? Nakakabiro na ang isa sa paborito ko pa namang kanta ay ang “Isang Anghel” ni Zild, na mayroong linya sa chorus na: "Ayoko munang mamatay ngayon; ang buhay ko na matamlay noon". Eh kasi, may nagmamahal sa kaniya noon. Mahal niya sarili niya. Eh ako? Hindi. Wala akong mamahalin maliban sa taong 'di ko pa makikita—sa inaasam kong pamantasan at sa mga bansang gusto ko makita kung lumaki ako. Dapat, ako na ay naging multo. Dapat, nakalaya na ako rito. Yan ang multo ko—ang maging multo.